Inconvenient Switch: A Cullen Comedy
by Lisaslovestories
Summary: What vampires do when they get bored? Well, The Cullen's decides to start a competition. The goal? Annoy the hell out of each other. With Edward's crossdressing, Emmett's prank calls and Bella's sex talk, it won't be long before someone give in..
1. Crazy plans and mesmerizing walls

**Inconvenient switch.**

_**A Cullen comedy.**_

"Hey little sis, pass me the remote would ya?"

I looked up from the novel I was reading and lifted an eyebrow at my bear of a brother, Emmett. He was lying on the couch next to me, exactly 0.93 inches closer to the remote than I was. Rosalie was half lying on his lap, polishing her nails and looking utterly bored.

I was sitting with my legs on Edward's lap, who was staring of into space with a blank expression on his face. Also looking rather bored, I had to admit. When I glanced around the room, I saw all the members of the Cullen family in various places, mate with mate, with the same expression that was on both Rosalie's and Edward's faces.

Hmm what was up with that? I'd only been a vampire for 5 months but I didn't know vampires could look so… Human. I suddenly thought of Charlie's face when he was sitting in front of the TV at home flipping through channels and not finding any sport worth watching.

Were we getting boring?

That thought had barley passed through my head before I caught something in my peripheral vision. I held up my hand just in time to catch the shoe Emmett had just thrown at me.

"Come oooooon little sis, I knew you were slow but could you please move faster than that truck of yours at least? Hey Edward, you sure you actually bit her? 'Cause she doesn't move like no vampire I've seen before. You should probably demand a refund if she doesn't start working soon."

He was laughing to himself, obviously pleased with his joke. Edward shifted in his seat, looking away from the wall he'd been studying intently for the last two hours. Faster than I thought possible he had snatched the shoe from my hand and thrown it back at Emmett who was, luckily, still laughing at his own joke and not paying attention to Edward.

The shoe hit him smack in the face, and left Emmet looking rather befuddled. His expression turned to something like a small kid about to throw a tantrum over everything that was wrong with people around him. But before the shouting began, he surprised us all by starting to laugh his normal booming laugh and looking quite hysterical.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him; no doubt some sick perverted joke had just crossed his mind. I could bet it had something to do with a shoe…

Oh boy was I wrong.

I was shocked when Edward joined in on the laughter; his face now had the same hysterical expression as Emmet's.

Edward hysterical? What the hell was going on here?

"What…Do…You…Think?" Emmet managed to get out while almost falling of the couch from his ridiculously loud laughter.

I looked at Edward with wide eyes, worried that he was having some kind of a meltdown right here in the living room.

"Emmet. If there was an award for the most stupid and hilarious plan ever, you would get first, second and third place for this one"

"Alright enough with that annoying mind talking thing, what are you two going mental about?" Alice had perched at the coffee table, looking from Emmet to Edward with frustration in her eyes. Then her eyes got even wider than mine, and she started laughing so hard I thought she was about to burst.

"You…Are…Planning…A switch?" She choked out.

Switch? What switch? Channel switch? I didn't know which. Hey that rimed, I though to myself, snickering.

Edward looked over at me, still laughing but with slightly raised eyebrows at my sudden snickering fit.

I just shook my head. You know you were bored if you start laughing at rimes in your mind.

No need to share.

"Who is switching what and why?" Rosalie asked, barley interested as she was now putting on a second layer of nail polish. She hadn't even looked up.

Needless to say, she was used to Emmet coming up with crazy plans.

Edward had quieted down now, but the laughter was still there in his eyes.

"Okey, so I think we can all agree that we need something to do around here. Things have been kind of… slow"

Wow, had he noticed? I thought he had been too busy inspecting his beloved wall.

"Well Emmet was thinking that-."

"We're gonna switch partner!" Alice cut in, she was now standing on the coffee table and jumping up and down, waving her hands.

Man she could look an awful lot like a 6 year old girl on a sugar high sometimes.

But wait a second? What had she just said? Switch partner? Oh no, as long as I don't get stuck with-…"

"I GET BELLA!!" Emmet yelled so loud that I could hear all the birds that had been nestling in the trees outside take immediate flight.

Oh shit.


	2. Pink Volvo's and flying Debussy

"Just hold on a second here, what kind of a switch? And why are we doing it?" Rosalie had now put down the nail polish and was staring at Emmett with an annoyed expression on her face, clearly not pleased with him teaming up with me on any occasion.

Well, the feeling was mutual. I really didn't want to get stuck with Emmett, I knew that he still hadn't forgiven me for beating him at arm wrestling when I was a newborn. He had been dying to get back at me ever since. Knowing that if I didn't agree to a rematch he would be even more frustrated, I declined his invitations every time. He was now past his boiling point, so he would grasp at any opportunity to get even.

"Well, Emmett was thinking we should switch partners for fun, to see who would get on whose nerves first." Edward explained, a smirk on his lips as he continued "An excellent idea, but I was thinking we should make a competition of it."

Wait, what? I was screaming at him in my head NOT do this to me, he knew as well as I did that Emmett would gladly take as much as advantage of that situation as possible.

"Competition? How? And what's the price?" Emmett asked, he was jumping up and down in the same fashion as Alice was now. God they really were bored, weren't they?

Edward cleared his throat and glanced around the room with authority, trying to look serious but failing completely since he had an excited grin on his face the whole time.

Oh Edward, what are you up to now?

"Okey, so this is how it's gonna go down" Edward began, and shot Emmett a dark look as he started howling at Edwards choice of words. Boy that man had the dirtiest mind ever…

"We're gonna switch partners, but we will still be a team with our usual partner. The goal is to irritate the hell out of our new partner and make him or her want to abort, using whatever means you can think of. A couple hasn't lost until both partners has called it off, and when someone has called off, he or she can still help to try and make the partner that's still in the game win." Edward said, and I stared wide eyed at him. Did he seriously think this was a good idea? Emmett was laughing his ass off and Alice was bouncing around the room, yelling at Jasper that they needed to decide their team colours and team song. Jasper looked slightly worried, but also quite excited. No doubt Emmett and Alice's moods were rubbing off on him.

He he, rubbing off…

Oh damn it Bella, you know you've spent too much time with Emmett if that sentence makes me think dirty things. I shook my head and looked sceptically at Edward, he smiled back and his expression was saying 'don't worry babe, I've got this one in the bag'.

Yeah, I sure hope he had some kind of plan to surviving this, and to not let Emmett irritating me to death. I know vampires are hard to kill, but somehow I was quite certain that Emmett could pull it off.

"Are there any rules?" Alice asked, finally sitting down on the sofa. Oh I bet she couldn't wait to try and get on Edward's nerves, he was after all practically begging her to do it. Well I wasn't going to be there to hold his hand when Alice painted his Volvo bright pink or used his CD's as Frisbees. In fact, I was thinking of giving her some suggestions…

He was after all basically giving Emmett permission to drive me completely mental, so he had no empathy to find here.

Alice jumped up and ran to the Carlisle office, and returned 2 seconds later with a pen and a sheet of paper. Edward placed the paper on the table and started writing. Everyone except me was hanging over his shoulder to see what he was scribbling down. I sat with my arms crossed in front of me, glaring at my siblings and my overly excited husband as they laughed and wailed over what he wrote on the paper.

I was suddenly grateful that Carlisle and Esmee had taken Renesmee out of town yesterday; they were going to Denali to see our friends there for a couple of days. Although I missed my daughter, I was glad that she wasn't here to see what her father was up to. Pah, some father figure he was! Trading his wife away to win some stupid competition? Was this the man I married? I wonder if I could blame temporary insanity and file for divorce before this plan of his got any more out of hand?

But I had to admit, seeing Edward's face lit up with excitement like this was almost making me warm up to this ridiculous idea. Just a bit though, I was still worried about what ever Emmett had planned for me.

Finally Edward put the pen down, and I leaned forward to read what they had all come up with. Alice had already left the room, shouting about picking out outfits for her and Jasper.

I rolled my eyes, not getting how Alice could always manage to make everything about clothes. Kind of like how Emmett could make everything about sex… And how Rosalie made everything about herself… Hmm, am I seeing a pattern among the Cullen siblings? I should probably talk to Carlisle about that later.

Edward held out the paper for me, and I started reading.

**PARINGS**

**Teammates:**

**Emmett-Rosalie**

**Jasper-Alice**

**Edward-Bella**

**Partners:**

**Emmett-Bella**

**Jasper-Rosalie**

**Edward-Alice**

**RULES**

**1. Partners must always be within 5 feet of each other at all times. **

**2. He/she can not refuse any request from his/her partner.**

**3. Everything is allowed in order to annoy each other. **

**4. Physical violence is allowed to a certain degree (loss of limbs is not allowed)**

**5. Once a partner aborts, the two shall continue to help their teammate win.**

**6. The partner who doesn't abort will win once his teammate's partner aborts. **

**7. The winner is the first team who both makes their partner abort.**

**8. Shall there be a draw (example; if Jasper, Bella and Rosalie are first with making their partners abort) the winning team will be the one with the partner who made his/hers partner abort in the shortest amount of time. **

**PRICE AND PUNISHMENT**

**The couple who wins will pick one person who will be their personal assistant for a week, and that person must do whatever the winning couple asks of them. **

**The couple who loses must wear their teammate's clothes for a week. Including underwear. **

At first, my mind was preoccupied with the mental image of Edward wearing my underwear… It would actually be worth loosing this silly competition to see him in a pink bra and matching panties. Hmm, wonder how my lacy black super short nightgown would look on him… But then the realisation of what I had just read hit me in the face.

"We have to do EVERYTHING our partner asks?" I shouted, horrified. How would that even work? If Emmett took me to town and forced me to run around naked, did I have to do that? What if I told him to make out with Jasper while wearing nothing but leather pants and a sombrero?

Oh damn it Bella why did you think that? _Stopstopstopstop_… I chanted, trying to make that haunting picture leave my brain. Not pretty, not at ALL.

"Well, within reason. I should probably add some specifications to that rule…" Edward mused, and took the paper from me.

He looked at it for a few seconds, and then turned to beam at Jasper. I looked from him to Jasper, who had his eyebrows raised and a smile on his lips.

"What do you think? I mean it would limit Emmett's chances to force your wife eat human food or mess with Esme's rosebushes." Jasper said, and I gathered that they had just had a silent communication.

"Excellent idea Jasper" Edward nodded and started to write down whatever new rule Jasper had come up with. I leaned forward at the same time as Emmett and Rosalie did, and heard Alice laugh from upstairs, she was pulling out drawers and searching through every single closet in her quest for the perfect outfits for her and Jasper.

Edward had made a note after rule number two, it now said:

'**2. ****He/she can not refuse any requests from his/her partner, but both partners must participate in whatever task one of them orders.'**

Hmm, I might be able to work with that. _Say hello to my dear friend 'The complete first season of Vampire Diaries' Emmett!_ I knew he hated that show, he always went on and on about how gay the characters were for having to wearing rings to stand the sunlight. Watching all the episodes might make him see that there was so much more to brooding, beautiful, sexy vamp Stephen…

An angry growl interrupted my fantasies, and I realised that I had just said that last part out loud. Oops.

I glanced warily at Edward, and he was watching me with narrowed eyes. I batted my eyelashes at him, trying to look innocent.

"I'm sorry love, I got carried away a bit … You know you are the only brooding vampire for me" I said, reaching out to stroke his lips with my finger. His irritated expression faltered slightly, but then he mumbled "perhaps we don't need to switch partners to win this…"

I chuckled to myself, and looked up to see Emmett watching me with a mischievous grin on his face. Oh this was going to be interesting…

"Okey everyone, let's take an hour to work on our strategies and then we'll meet back here to commence the switch" Edward said, still a bit sour but at least he reached out to take my hand.

I stood and followed him, and as we reached the front door, I stopped to glance back at Emmett. He and Rosalie were already clinging to each other, making the most of their time before they had would be apart. Jasper was gone and I could hear him growling from upstairs, followed by a "No Alice, I don't think that a pink miniskirt would make my legs look longer". I laughed and shook my head at the mental picture of Alice and Jasper in matching pink skirts.

"Hey Emmett?" I called, and he looked up.

"Yeah Bella?" He answered, his hands still all over Rosalie's body.

"Save some of that for me" I said, winking at him as I turned to follow Edward out the door. I caught his horrified expression before I left, and knew that I had my own strategy already worked out.

That boy wouldn't know what hit him after I was finished with him. I'll have him running for the hills in no time.

Let the games begin…

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**Want to read more? Comment! :)**


	3. Leopard bra and neon mankini

**A/N: Sorry it took me forever to update this story! I can't believe it's been almost two months, I'm really ashamed of myself.. Promise I'll do better this time! Thank's to everyone who has commented, I hope you haven't given up on me!**

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"So, do you have any ideas how we're gonna win this?" Edward asked once we were out of hearing distance from the house. We were at our meadow now, lying side by side in the soft grass. His hand was in mine, and I leaned on my elbow to kiss him briefly.

"Well, I have a plan how to handle Em-" I began, but was cut off when Edward threw himself on me and started kissing me fiercely. I was unable to do anything but kiss him back, because I have no self control when it comes to Edward and kissing. None whatsoever.

When he started kissing down my jaw I took the opportunity to push him away, sitting up and raising my eyebrows at him. "What was that all about?" I asked, and he grinned innocently.

"You started it"

I huffed, "Yeah right, I didn't assault your mouth like that!"

"So arrest me…" Edward mumbled, and leaned forward to kiss me again.

I put my hand against his chest, holding him at arms length, "Sure, I'll call Charlie, he'll be thrilled." I rolled my eyes, "Seriously, Edward, we need to come up with a plan! Unless… maybe you want to wear my leopard bra for the rest of the week?"

Mental images of Edward in my underwear clouded my mind, and I didn't pull back in time when Edward launched at me, pinning me to the ground and taking whatever feeling he was experiencing out on my mouth. I was sure that he would have crushed my skull if I had been human.

I tried to speak around his mouth, the words coming out distorted.

"Edward…what…you…doing…"

He continued to kiss me while grumbling "leopard bra" against my lips. I couldn't help but to laugh in his mouth, he was so easily turned on!

"Come on, Edward" I said, and using all my strength I pushed him away once more. "Focus! I don't feel like walking around in your jeans all week, they don't really fit me. And if we were to go se Charlie and you'd be wearing one of my dresses, you know dad would think you'd turned gay. And I definitely don't want to be Emmett's slave, if he were to beat us! Can you imagine the things he would have me do?" I shrugged, horrified by the thought.

Edward laughed, "In fact, I can. I won't tell you all of it, but you should know that it involves making you call your dad to say that we're getting a divorce and that you're pregnant again."

"WHAT?"

"That's just what he has planned for the first 10 minutes, baby." Edward grinned, and I wanted to slap him. I didn't, of course. I don't believe in violence.

_Except if it involves a certain vampire brother in law…_

I sighed, "Well then, if you don't want Charlie to come after you with his gun or a wooden stake, whichever he gets to first, we should probably work on our strategies."

I stared him down, "So keep your mouth to yourself."

"Keep your mouth to yourself"

"Stop stealing my lines!"

"Stop saying what I'm thinking"

"God, your so childish, Edward!"

He laughed, "That's what you get for marrying a seventeen year old!"

"Right, maybe I should look for someone in my age instead" I mumbled, and Edward growled. "Oh get over yourself, little Eddikins" I teased, kissing his cheek swiftly as to not encourage him to another assault again.

"Eddikins" he scoffed, and then turned serious. "So what do you have planned for my dear brother? I don't want to scare you, but his thoughts there at the end were… Not something I would care to witness my wife do."

I smiled deviously. "Oh, don't worry darling. I know exactly how to handle Emmett."

"Really? I'm all ears…" he said, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I'm going to beat him at his own game." I said simply.

"And what game is that? Because let's face it Bella, immortality didn't exactly improve your baseball skills if that's what you're referring to…" Edward chuckled.

_Forget that 'no violence rule'…_

I smacked my thick headed husband's arm, growling at him. "I'm not talking sports, you insensitive, sparkly vamp." I said, and he pouted, looking like a little boy instead of a 109 year old vampire. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't you like my sparkles?" he asked, appearing hurt. I laughed, not believing his acting at all.

"Of course I do, my little fairy. Now let's get back to business." I snickered, and before he could pout or object, I continued. "What I meant was that I'm gonna be the female version of Emmett. I'm going to see how he likes it when I make jokes about his sex life, and I'm also-"

I had to stop, because Edward seemed to have a hard time breathing. This was worrying, since he was a vampire and didn't have to breathe…

When he looked into my eyes, which took him a while because he seemed intent on staring on a spot on the ground to my right while the corners of his mouth twitched, he apparently couldn't keep his laughter in any longer, and broke out in loud guffaws.

I was about to get out my phone and call Carlisle, because it seemed like Edward was having hysterics. I wasn't sure that vampires could get hysterical, but it appeared that it was in fact the case.

Just as I was about to press the call button, Edward paused his laughter long enough to choke out a few words.

"You…sex…talk…Emmett…" Was all he managed to get out.

"THAT'S what's this is about?" I asked in an incredulous voice. Was he going into hysterics at the thought of me talking about sex? That's just weird, I mean it's not like I never talk about sex. Right? At some point I must have, surly I have spoken to someone other that Edward about it? Haven't I?

Oh, damn it.

Edward collected himself and faced me again, but I saw that it took quite the effort for him to keep a straight face.

"I'm sorry, love. It was just the thought of" he began laughing again, but when he caught my death glare, he stopped abruptly. "What I mean is; Are you sure you can do that?"

"Yes, Mr. 'I laugh at my wife's ability to succeed in anything', I know I can do that, thank you very much for your concern." I snapped, offended.

He looked guilty at once, which was pretty freaking smart of him.

"I don't think that way, I know you are capable of a lot of things." he said, and we would have been fine if he hadn't smirked and added, "Just not things involving sex talk or sports."

"That's it!" I said, standing up and beginning to walk away from him.

"Bella, wait! Come on, baby, I didn't mean it like that!"

"Sure you didn't, Eddikins. But I'm not gonna sit here and let my unsupportive husband tell me what I can and cannot do."

He was at my side in half a second, grinning apologetically at me.

"Okay, I'll be serious. Pretty please, will you tell me the rest of the plan?" he asked, and because I was such a sucker for him, I sighed and stopped walking.

"Fine, but you won't like it." I said, already sure of that fact. Then I smirked "Although, you kind of deserve it after what just happened. I think it will be good for you."

I was satisfied when he looked worried, and smiled bigger at him.

"I'll let you know if you tell me what else Emmett has planned for me." I bargained. Because seriously, I was a bit scared. Emmett had no boundaries, I'd learned that the time he had tricked me into coming with him to Port Angeles to spy on Mike and Jessica's date. Let's just say that Jessica took a cab home after finding a pair of panties in Mike's car's glove department. I still have no idea how Emmett managed to sneak them in there, but it showed me the extent of his mischievousness. I vowed to never mess with Emmett after that incident.

But now there was a competition, and I was not going to lose.

"Bella, I think it's best if you don't kn…" he trailed off when I glared at him, and sighed. "Okay, okay! I didn't catch it all, but there was a part about Jacob, a wolf costume and something that looked like a Matthew McConaughey blow up doll…"

"Okay, stop!" I called, holding up my hands. "I changed my mind, it's better not knowing."

Edward looked pleased. "Now tell me, how are we gonna win this thing?"

"I'm gonna flirt." I stated, smiling widely. I loved my plan, it was perfect.

"You're gonna flirt?" Edward asked, furrowing his brows at me. "With who?"

I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, Edward, for someone so old you can be quite dumb sometimes. I'm going to flirt with Emmett, of course." I explained.

"Why?" he looked a little bit pissed, but the dominant emotion was definitely confused. How could he not see where I was going with this? It was so obvious.

"Because" I began in a somewhat condescending tone, still annoyed with him, "Emmett will be freaked out and run for the hills before anyone can say 'monkey man'."

"You really think flirting with him will do that?"

I sighed, staring to walk towards the house again. "Yes, Edward. But thanks for the confidence, I'm flattered once again."

He grabbed my hand, "I'm just wondering if it will really be enough to drive him away, that's all. He's a stubborn motherfucker."

I laughed at the fact that my husband had just said 'motherfucker', which was very uncharacteristic of him. "Well, it was enough to make you sleep with me even though you refused to at first. And it was also enough to convince you to change me, and…"

"Alright, alright. I get your point." he shook his head exasperated. "I'm a sucker for your flirting, but that doesn't mean that Emmett is."

He got a weird expression then, like he just figured something out.

"Is _that_ what that 'save some of that for me' comment was about?" Edward asked, looking a bit horrified.

I laughed. "Finally! You know, for a mind reader, you're not all that smart. Honey boo." I added, because he looked a little wounded. I reached up to kiss him, and was happy when he kissed me back. I hadn't hurt his ego too much then, I thought to myself.

"Fine then." he said after I pulled away. "But I don't like it. Don't make it too authentic, because I'll get jealous and won't be able to focus on dealing with Alice."

"Oh come on, Edward. It's just a game! Do you really think I would ever prefer Emmett over you?"

"Hopefully not…" he muttered, and took my hand as we reached the forest. I got an idea, and pulled him to a stop again, glancing up at him through my lashes and smiling what I hoped was a seductive smile.

"Hey, baby? Could you carry me? My feet are tired." I lied.

It proved how good my flirting was when Edward picked me up in a second, holding me close as he walked. But then I thought that maybe he had forgotten that vampires don't get tired, or he simply wanted to hold me.

"So do you have any strategies on how to handle Alice?" I asked.

"Well, I have one." he answered, but then his next words were drowned out by the loud, ear piercing scream coming from our house that was now in view.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I stared at Edward in shock. What could possibly make Alice scream like that?

Edward had a huge, smug smile on his face. "I guess she just saw the clothes I'm planning to wear for the rest of the day. Looks like Alice isn't a fan of neon colours."

I gaped at him. Neon colours? The only image in my head was from that silly movie 'Borat' that Emmett had made us watch the other day.

"Edward, so help me god if I catch you wearing a mankini!"

And to my great horror, he just chuckled as he carried me up the stairs to the house.

I prayed that Alice would give in before he could get his hands on one of those, because the mental image of Edward wearing a mankini was not something I wanted to remember forever.

_Damn infinite__, vampire memory…_

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_Hehe, hope it made you laugh a little! And if anyone is wondering about the Matthew McConaughey blow up doll, try searching for pictures of him on google. That man is shirtless more often than the average werewolf, that's why he's in there ;)_

**Comments makes the chapters come quicker! *flirts Bella style***


	4. Vampire butts and werewolf snuggling

**A/N: Okay, so it took me a month, but it was better than last time, right? I've been moving and bla bla bla bla, so I haven't been able to write as much as I'd like to. But here it is! Remember, these characters are not quite like Stephenies, but that's what makes it fun ;)**

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I sat on the sofa, watching my freaky family preparing for our game.

The house was at absolute chaos three minutes after Edward and I had walked through the door. Emmett and Rosalie were making out like crazy hormonal teenagers while Jasper yelled at them to stop with the horneyness already, before it got too much and he'd have no choice but to join them.

Alice was on her knees on the floor, begging Edward to spare her from the horrible vision she'd had of him. He on the other hand was whistling and looking through old boxes with clothes from the 90's, trying on hats in every different shape and colour you could imagine.

When he pulled out a pair of orange and brown striped pants, I actually felt sympathy for poor Alice. Even Jasper wrinkled his nose when Edward, with a huge, triumphant grin, picked up a pair of light blue boots to go with the pants. All I could think about was why the hell they'd even bought those items in the first place.

"Edward, no, please NO, I'm begging you! Not blue with orange, you can't do that do me! My eyesight will be ruined for all eternity it you wear those two together!" Alice pleaded in a desperate voice.

Edward snickered, and then put on the shoes. He was still wearing his black jeans, but still… Baby blue shoes should not be allowed on any man. Not even Edward.

"I think they look great! But wouldn't it be wonderful if I had one blue, and one yellow? I might have to go shopping for –" Edward stopped abruptly then, a horrified expression on his face.

I frowned, and then caught sight of Alice, who was suddenly smiling such a devious smile that I just _knew_ she had come up with something she was very pleased with.

"Did I hear the word 'shopping'?" she asked, a wicked gleam in her eyes.

"No! Good god, NO, Alice!" It was Edward's time to beg now, and it wasn't hard to figure out what Alice had been planning. Something told me that Edward's credit card would get a serious work out in a near future…

"Wow, Alice, you've really gotten him scared!" Jasper said, and then shivered. I guessed he could feel Edward's terror, and if it was enough to shut out Emmett's and Rosalie's wild emotions, Edward must be really, really freaked out.

"Oh, come on baby, it's just a game." I walked over to where Edward stood frozen, with his eyes fixed on Alice. "It can't be that bad." I continued, and patted him on the back.

Edward's head snapped to the side, where Emmett was sitting. One corner of his mouth turned up, and then he looked over at me.

"Honey, you'd do well to remember those words." he said, and I looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"What?" I asked, but then Emmett was by my side, grinning.

"So, should be start this competition? I'm in the mood to win something." he winked at me, but the gesture was far from comforting. It held a promise of serious mischief.

Everyone agreed, and Jasper looked at his watch. "Okay, so it's now exactly 1 pm. Should we set up a time limit, so that if no one gives up we won't have to continue this into the next century?"

Edward nodded, "Yes, we probably shouldn't continue once Carlisle, Esmee and Renesmee get back. They might think we've gone crazy."

"Uhm, Edward, I would actually be prepared to agree with them on that." I said, "You're all pretty crazy."

"Hey! We're bored, that's not the same thing!" Emmett argued, but I waved him off.

"Whatever, Emmett, you keep telling yourself that." I snickered. "Anyway, let's get this show on the road. We'll continue until someone wins, or until the others get back. If there isn't a winner by then, we'll have to call it a tie."

"Don't think there will be any need to do that, I've got this one in the bag, baby!" Emmett called, and made a fist bump into the air.

"Alright, everyone, hands in." Alice stretched her arm out, and we all placed our hands on top of hers. I didn't miss the calculating expression that everyone was wearing, including me. I was in it to win it, that's for sure.

"On three, everyone says 'switch'!"

"Oh come on, Alice…" Rosalie groaned, but Alice gave her a murderous glare to silence her.

Damn, she was really into this.

"One…Two…"

"SWITCH!" we all called, Emmett the loudest. I think glass was actually broken.

We all looked around at each other then, an almost eerie silence spreading among us. Then, as if on cue, we all started speaking the exact same second.

"I'm going first!"

"No, I'm first!"

"I said it first, don't even try!"

"Damn it, Rosalie, you should have been quicker!"

"Bella, don't let him make you-"

"Stay out of my head, Eddikins. She's all mine."

Eventually, we all quieted down.

"Fine." Rosalie pouted. "You go first, Jasper."

Jasper laughed, "You're gonna regret that, but thanks. Let's take a little trip, shall we?"

He and a very suspicious Rosalie waved goodbye and disappeared out the front door. The remaining vampires stared at each other wordlessly, waiting for someone to crack.

When no one moved an inch, I sighed and held up my hands in surrender. "Alright, Emmett, it's no point in postponing the inevitable. What are you gonna do to me?"

He chuckled, and that wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't been for a low growl coming from Edward. I turned to give him a questioning look.

"Ah, I don't think your husband approves of what I have planned, little B. Too bad he doesn't have a say in it!" Emmett took my hand and dragged me away, leaving Edward and Alice standing alone in the living room, watching each other with narrowed eyes.

* * *

"I won't do it."

"Bella, you have to. I'm gonna do it, and therefore you have to."

"I won't."

"So you're giving up? Letting me win?"

"Fuck…"

"It's easier if you don't think, just do it. Make sure the bag sticks, though."

"Edward is gonna kill you."

"I know, but he's not here now, is he? Drop 'em, B."

"You drop your first."

"I'm not giving you a peek show, we'll do it together."

"What if someone recognizes me?"

"Thus the bag, little B... Come on, you're getting crinklier by the minute."

"I'm a vampire."

"Even so, waiting isn't going to make it better. Now, put the bag on, and undress."

I hated Emmett. I hated Edward for agreeing to this stupid game. I hated myself for not getting out when there was still a chance.

But most of all, I hated the fact that I was about run across the town square naked. With a bag over my head. Naked. In front of at least 20 people I knew. Naked. In human pace, not using vampire speed.

Did I mention that I would be naked?

If it hadn't been for the fact that I couldn't fail Edward, no matter how much I might resent him right now, I would have said that I surrender, and kept my clothes on.

But as it were, Edward and I was still a team, and I couldn't let him down. A small part of my brain argued that Edward would probably rather have me give up than do this, but I was stubborn. I guessed that Emmett had been shielding his plans from Edward pretty well, making him think we were doing something else, or else he would probably have been a wet spot on the floor by now.

"Okay, bag on." I said, taking a steadying breath. We were in an alleyway, shielded from sight. Emmett's plan was to run straight over the square and behind the food mart, and then disappear into the woods.

We put the bags over our heads at the same time, and then I started undressing. The situation didn't improve when I realized that Mike Newton was walking across the square, towards the sporting good's store.

"Ready?" Emmett chuckled.

I pulled off my socks.

"Last one to the forest is a crinkled vampire butt!"

* * *

"That was hilarious!" Emmett grinned as I pulled on my shoes. "Did you hear Mike Newton say your name? Looked like he might have recognized you, little B."

I shot him a dirty look, "Very funny, Emmett. You might laugh now, but when Edward finds out about this, you won't be laughing anymore."

"Hey! It was your choice to go through with it! I think he'll be more upset with you than me."

We started running through the forest towards the Cullen house, eager to see what had happened during the time we'd been absent.

When we entered the living room, we stopped abruptly, staring at the scene in front of us.

"When I said shopping, I meant you'd be shopping _guy_ clothes, not girl clothes!"

"Well, the rule says that I have to do exactly what you do, so I had no choice."

"But…But NO, Edward! I can't look at you, it hurts my eyes!"

"I thought you liked this skirt, wasn't that why you wanted to buy it?"

"Yes! I liked it on _me,_ not on _you_!"

Alice and Edward were arguing on one side of the room. He was wearing a pink skirt and the blue shoes, topped with a light green t-shirt.

For some reason, his outfit gave me a craving for candy. Which was weird, because I was a vampire, and vampires didn't eat candy.

The image of my husband wearing those clothes was way too disturbing; it would be hard seeing him as a cold blooded, dangerous predator ever again.

On the other side of the room, Rosalie was pacing back and forth, shaking her head and staring wide eyed at the floor as she walked.

"I can't believe I did that. I'll never get the stench off; I'll suffer from nausea forever." she mumbled, sounding distant, as if she wasn't really aware she was speaking out loud.

"Hey!" Emmett called, glaring at Jasper, "what did you do to my wife?"

Jasper was sitting on the sofa, a satisfied grin on his face as he watched Rosalie pace. When Emmett spoke, he glanced over at us. First he seemed curious, then surprised as he looked between the two of us. I guessed he was sensing some serious humiliation from me, and amusement from Emmett.

"She might have hugged a werewolf, or two." Jasper said nonchalantly.

Both Emmett and I broke out in laughter, and I momentarily forgot what I had been forced to do. Knowing how much Rosalie despised the werewolves, she'd really had a worse time than I had.

"So what did you two do? Bella seems a bit embarrassed, to say the least. Did you make her stand up in front of a bunch of people and make a speech or something?" Jasper asked.

Emmett snickered, "Not quite, but thanks for the suggestion. Actually, we both went –"

"YOU MADE MY WIFE DO _WHAT_?" Edward roared, and I gathered that he had just read Emmett's thoughts.

No one had time to react before Edward had thrown himself, miniskirt and all, at Emmett and knocked him down on the floor.

"Ain't this game super fun?" Jasper asked, smiling a huge smile as he watched his two brothers wrestle.

I guess it was now time for round two…

* * *

**Who want's to know what other crazy plans our favorite vamps can come up with? ;) I DO! **


	5. Unpeeled potatoes and Titanic moves

**A/N: You would think that, after over 4 months, I would have the world's best excuse prepared for you. **

**Well, fuck it, I don't. I've just been lazy. Let's do this thingy, and pretend as if I posted chapter 4 yesterday, okay? Great!**

* * *

After Edward was done throwing golf balls –which I had no idea where he got- at Emmett's head, he told us to sit down in the living room for a few minutes. Edward then pulled a screaming Alice with him upstairs, a devious smirk on his lips.

"You can't make me do this! This is not right! Please, Edward, I'll do anything!" Alice pleaded as they disappeared.

"Hang in there, honey!" Jasper called, and then snickered.

"What's he doing?" Rosalie asked. She was sitting next to Jasper in the sofa, throwing lust filled glances at Emmett who was picking up golf balls from the floor and putting them in a bag, muttering about revenge.

I smiled, "Not sure, but I have a feeling it might involve breaking a few fashion rules."

Three minutes later, during which Emmett and Rosalie was had some kind of freaky 'undress and make out with your eyes only' thing going on and Jasper spent looking more and more nauseous by the second, Edward finally emerged from upstairs.

I looked at him for exactly 0.12 seconds before breaking out in loud guffaws, and I was immediately joined by Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie.

My husband was standing before us wearing knee high pink and white striped socks, white mini shorts, a pink shirt with some kind of Disney print on it, and a pink bandana. He looked like a Popsicle.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you all to EA's fashion show, hosted by your very own Edward Cullen."

We all clapped our hands, and Edward bowed so deep that he almost touched his nose to his knees. When he straightened up again, his smile was blinding. Something sparkling by his ears caught my gaze, and when he turned his head towards the stairs I saw that he had earrings peeking out under the bandana. And I mean huge, glittering, bling bling earrings. They were in the shape of a dollar sign, the kind that gangster rappers wore.

I hadn't noticed them since I'd been too focused on the mini shorts. I mean, can you blame me? Seriously?

"In just a moment I will be joined by my partner, Alice Cullen. Together, we will show you the latest, vampiest fashion." Edward's voice was super serious, and he was really playing his part well. It kind of freaked me out. Had he been practicing this sort of thing before I came along?

"I am so glad that so many of you have showed up here today" Edward continued, and we all heard Alice whining from upstairs. "Feel free to take as many pictures as you wish, I've actually brought some cameras for you, and we will also be taping the event." he picked up a box from the floor and started handing out the cameras. When he reached me, he gave me a huge, boyish grin and wiggled his eyebrows.

I tried so hard to not laugh, but it was kind of impossible. The man was wearing eye shadow, for god's sake. Pink, glittering eye shadow, that is.

"Hey Edward, your legs look great in those shorts!" Emmett laughed, earning an elbow to the ribs by Rosalie.

"We haven't made out for 2 hours and you're already becoming gay? Geez, Emmett." she barked, "We're gonna have to win this fast, or else you'd probably run off to join the Backstreet boy's."

I laughed, "There's an idea. Emmett, we should totally sit down and watch my old VHS with their concerts, wouldn't that be awesome?"

All I got was a frightened stare from all the vampires in the room.

"What?" I asked, not understanding what I'd said wrong.

Edward cleared his throat, "Erm, Bella? You listened to Backstreet boys?"

"Yeah? Why, what's wrong with that?"

"Oh, nothing…" he gave me a look as if to question my sanity, and I glared back. A man wearing 90% pink outfit was not allowed to comment on my taste of music.

Jasper spoke up then, "Okay, come on guys, let's get this show on the road!" he clapped his hands together, looking freakishly like Alice for a moment.

"I'll never forgive you for this!" Alice yelled from upstairs, sounding slightly hysterical.

"Alice, come on down here so that we can start." Edward demanded, and we all sat up straight with out cameras ready.

Nothing could have prepared me for the sight I was met by a few moments later. We all sat still, frozen in our seats with our mouths hanging open as Alice came into view.

Let me try to paint the picture for you, I want to make sure I get everything right.

Red flip flops with huge orange flowers covering the big toe, skin tight green pants in a snake skin pattern that flared at her ankles, a thick woolen turtleneck sweater in the most ghastly shade of pink I had ever seen in my entire life. In her ears hang some kind of jewelry that resembled an un-peeled potato, and to top it all of she had a black and white beanie on her head.

It was the ugliest outfit in the history of clothes, of that I was sure.

Alice whined and protested as Edward pushed her forward, and we all snapped pictures so fast that the cameras started to smell burned. After Alice had done one circuit around the room, she disappeared freakishly fast, even for a vampire. Edward continued strutting his stuff in front of us, posing like a veteran Victoria Secret model as he went.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I settled on shaking my head and trying to make sure that the mental image I had of my husband didn't change from a gorgeous, manly vampire into what more resembled Paris Hilton on crack.

Minus the earrings of course. Paris would never be caught dead wearing those.

20 colorful, horrifying and at the same time hilarious minutes later, the fashion show was over. Alice didn't even wait to leave the room before ripping her oversized, polka dotted dress into pieces, leaving her in nothing but her underwear.

I saw Jasper's eyes grow wide, and I bet he was getting pretty… frustrated after sitting between Rose and Emmett for this long.

Hell, even I was getting hot and bothered, and I believe it had more to do with the emotions Jasper was emitting than the fact that my husband was still in front me. I mean, I love Edward to death and beyond, but if he were to wear those purple jeans to bed, he would have more chance of getting it on with the bedside lamp than with me.

"Okay, Jasper. It's my turn to call the shots now." Rosalie said, and even I recoiled a little. She sounded pretty hostile, and I was glad I wasn't the one she was glaring at. Jasper looked worried, but he got up and followed her out the house without a word. He probably reasoned that he wouldn't get much support or sympathy from his wife, so there was no point in complaining.

I turned to Emmett, smiling widely as I saw his slightly anxious expression. Hell yeah, I had gotten him scared and I hadn't even started yet. Brilliant!

"Feeling like taking a little trip to movie theater, Emmett?" I asked innocently.

He flew up from the couch instantly, grinning from ear to ear. "Hell yeah! There's a new Stallone movie premiering tonight, how did you know? People get so macho after watching his films, so you can always count on someone to start a brawl before the night is over."

"Oh I'm sure there will be a brawl…" I snickered, turning to wink at Edward. He lifted one eyebrow, smiling back at me as he slipped out of his fake fur vest.

Alice reemerged, now dressed in red, sky high heels, a tight black dress with an artfully designed neckline, silver jewelry and immaculate makeup. I bet she was doing everything she could to get the memory of the last hour to fade from everyone's mind. Including her own. Well, probably first and foremost her own.

She stood in the doorway, hand on her hips as she glared at Edward. He straightened up after taking his Scooby Doo painted rain boots off, dread filling his eyes as he stared back at Alice.

"Alice, no. There is no way we're doing that." he said, his voice barely a whisper. Both Emmett and I looked from Edward to Alice, super curious about what had gotten Edward's panties in such a twist.

Okay, he probably wasn't' wearing panties, but after a show like this, I couldn't be quite sure, could I?

Alice didn't say a word. She just kept glaring.

Edward staggered backwards, his eyes wide. "No! No, not that too! Please Alice, please not the wheel!"

The wheel? What wheel?

"Damn, Alice. What are you up to?" Emmett asked. He couldn't take not being in the loop anymore, he was practically bouncing, Alice style, on the couch as he watched Edward's frightened appearance.

Edward turned, slowly, towards us. The expression on his face was similar to how he had looked when Renesmee had told him that Jacob was taking her cliff jumping last year.

Terrified. Really, freaking terrified.

His mouth opened, and I saw that his bottom lip was trembling. He looked to Alice once more, and I saw that she was now holding a bucket with some kind of paint in it. Pink paint.

I realized what she had planned the same second as Edward forced the words out.

"My Volvo."

Oh dang, his car was getting a paintjob. I definitely didn't want to be here for that one. Edward in pink clothes and earrings is one thing, but Edward crying and screaming while Alice turned his car into something that only Barbie's husband would drive was not something I cared to witness. I had enough trouble remembering that the man before me was a strong, lethal, sexy vampire as it was.

I stood, walking over to Edward and patted his back. "Stay strong, Ken."

o o o

"This is not what I signed up for. I thought we were watching Stallone!" Emmett whined as I pulled him with me through the thick line of teenage girls giggling and chatting loudly, most of them wearing shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio's face on it.

It was Titanic night, a celebration of the movie's 15th anniversary, and we had front seat tickets. It would feel like we were really there, holding on to the railing along with Jack and Rose as the water came closer, standing in the very front of the ship, screaming that we are the king's of the world. Me, Emmett and 98 % of the town's population of girls.

It was freaking awesome.

But of course I didn't count on Leo to do the entire job alone. It was time to set my other plan into motion. The plan also known as "making Emmett think I want to do the dirty with him and not let our respective partners find out."

Hell yes, it was time for some groping in the darkness…

Emmett and I found our seats, sat down and waited. The room filled up quickly, and soon the lights went out and the movie started.

Ready, set, go.

_The old lady's portrait is found._

I put my arm on the armrest next to Emmett's.

_The helicopter lands on the boat and Brock is handed a fishbowl. _

I lean into his side, resting my head on his shoulder.

_Rose begins telling her story to the crew. _

I lightly trail my fingers along the back of Emmett's hand, feeling him stiffen.

_Jack wins the poker game and run's to get on the ship_.

I interlace my fingers with his, snuggling closer.

_Cal orders lamb with mint sauce for him and Rose_.

I reach up to whisper in Emmett's ear, "Isn't this cozy?" He hasn't taken a breath in many minutes.

_Jack sees Rose for the first time, watching her from afar. _

"I'm really glad I'm here with you instead of Edward." I purr in his ear, almost touching my lips to his skin.

_Rose climbs over the railing and prepares to fall. _

I reach my other hand over and lightly trail fingers along his thigh. His face is stoic as he stares at the screen, his expression similar to how Edward looked when I last saw him.

_Jack takes her hand to help her back. _

My fingers trail upward, slowly…

Just as Rose slips, Emmett stands and bolts out of the door quicker than humanly possible.

I lean back in my chair, beaming as I mentally pat myself on the back.

One down. I only hope Edward hangs in there…

* * *

_Oh well, let's see who cracks next.. Or is Emmett really out of the picture? dum dum dum... Leave a review if you feel like making one writers block challenged Lisa a lot happier!_


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